Updated: February 21, 2009


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.




Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........




Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? '
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,
knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.?




Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph...'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home..
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife yell.....


'Ralph! Wake up. You crapped the bed!'




One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today.
You will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."
So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 7-10 inches of snow today and you must park..." just then the power went off!
The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."




Electric Fence


Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an
electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft.. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works..

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled
downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of
my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the
spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, and pee at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times
in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you
just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between
but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a
big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to
just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, and pee with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die...
pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).

3- Poop, and pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might
think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.




The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation
as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the kids," she went on, "and every move caused
him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants
of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord,
Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,
his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom. The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.





Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3.The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4.The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5.The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back
off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."




One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"





The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another grenade from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football and sure enough the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You have disappointed us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!"





An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I
just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy
is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse
is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this
cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it
immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."




Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
------------------- ------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.




A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"





A blonde calls her boyfriend almost in tears:

"I have a jigsaw puzzle of a Tiger but I cannot find any pieces that fit together." she says.

"Are you sure that it is a Tiger?" he asks.

"Yes. That's the picture on the box."

"Okay, I'll be over to help."

He arrives shortly and she shows him the puzzle pieces. He is silent for a few moments and then says:

"Go heat up some water, please. I'm going to make you some tea."

To which she replies, "Are we going to do the puzzle afterwards?"

He says, "No. We can't do this puzzle, so I want to make you a nice soothing cup of tea and have you relax for a while. But first I am going to put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."




A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you
are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"




A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground. You are at 31 degrees,
14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded,! "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are,
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."




Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there".

I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."



1973 vs 2007:


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack of his truck.

1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his truck and gets his to show Jack.
2007: School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.


Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2007: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007: Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973: Ants die.
2007: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973: In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.




Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!





Superman

One day superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?" "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman. "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my *** is killing me."




A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"


The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'



Teaching Math through the decades*

Last week a I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00
and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it
to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered,
holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her
register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me
two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to
explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears. The incident got
me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).

Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
"M." The set "C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points
than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees.
(There are no wrong answers)

Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that
his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La
cuesta de production es ...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as large as necessary.
Take 2.50: To the engineer, the capacity of the container has been over designed by a factor of approximately 1.905 assuming a 5% volume for the sloshing safety factor.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's have a word with him. " (dramatic pause) "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers - Take 4
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly...
One chalk mark:
$1
Knowing where to put it:
$49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features." ----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
An artist, an architect and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done!"

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IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways ... through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter.... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up.... we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!




Subject: Moral question

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. Answer honestly!!!

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options: you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.










So here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......






























Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?






Only the Irish have jokes like these:

1. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



2. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



3. Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."




A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ..
It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since got out of college and I just flat-azz love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"




Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!!"



There will be a pop quiz Friday at lunch. You will need to skillfully master at least 90% of the terms to pass!

150 WAYS TO SAY VAGINA:

vagina, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani,
snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, hole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains,
the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, squeezer,
slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha,
stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps,
fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge,
the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat,
grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips,
where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot,
hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar,
breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak,
Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam,
home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders,
crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts,
Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood,
Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China),
Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue,
Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her neighbor, lotus,
nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven,
furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo,
Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal,
poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero,
meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park,
saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book,
the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic,
hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip,
the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt,
devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread,
wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains,
ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, s, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven,
penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper,
the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven,
the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole,
the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box,
yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow,
mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box,
tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher,
packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit,
wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko,
ry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cave, donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit,
 the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, magnet, slippery slide,
Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector,
goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, zilla, homebase, pud pocket,
bear trap, indiana bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold




1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.



You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.





Updated: October 10, 2007

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. 
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


Lie-Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. 
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillarys clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."



Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After
several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Mamou.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. 
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Lafayette to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! 
They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it
was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"




LEAVING WORK EARLY....

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed.

"I almost got caught yesterday."



YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF.......... 

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You've ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ***** look too big?"

...You've felt the urge to "rub her out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

...You wipe your ***** with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."




The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another grenade from 50 yards down a chimney,
and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself.
"He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football and sure enough the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You have disappointed us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!"



An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I
just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy
is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse
is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this
cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it
immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."



Men strike back! 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine 
will probably never be able to support you. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows 
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men pass gas more than women? 
Because women can't shut up long enough to 
Build up the required pressure. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, 
who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman who won't do what she's told 
------------------- ------------------------------------------------ 
I married a Miss Right. 
I just didn't know her first name was Always. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. 
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street 
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. 
Then God created Man and rested. 
Then God created Woman. 
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 




A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"





A blonde calls her boyfriend almost in tears:

"I have a jigsaw puzzle of a Tiger but I cannot find any pieces that fit together." she says.

"Are you sure that it is a Tiger?" he asks.

"Yes. That's the picture on the box."

"Okay, I'll be over to help."

He arrives shortly and she shows him the puzzle pieces. He is silent for a few moments and then says:

"Go heat up some water, please. I'm going to make you some tea."

To which she replies, "Are we going to do the puzzle afterwards?"

He says, "No. We can't do this puzzle, so I want to make you a nice soothing cup of tea and have you relax for a while. But first I am going to put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."




A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you
are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional 
weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"




A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. 
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground. You are at 31 degrees, 
14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded,! "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, 
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. 
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."




Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there".

I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."






1973 vs 2007:

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack of his truck. 

1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his truck and gets his to show Jack.
2007: School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. 

Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 

1973: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2007: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. 

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students. 

1973: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. 


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007: Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist. 


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English. 

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 

1973: Ants die.
2007: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. 


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973: In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.



Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time - 

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers. 

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! 

In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?" 

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED 
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!" 

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!




Superman

One day superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?" "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman. "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my *** is killing me."





A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'




Teaching Math through the decades*

Last week a I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00
and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it 
to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, 
holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her 
register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me 
two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to 
explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears. The incident got 
me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).

Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his 
profit?

Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is 
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set 
"M." The set "C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points 
than set "M." 
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: 
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: 
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? 
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the 
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. 
(There are no wrong answers)

Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that 
his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La
cuesta de production es ... 




Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as large as necessary.
Take 2.50: To the engineer, the capacity of the container has been over designed by a factor of approximately 1.905 assuming a 5% volume for the sloshing safety factor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's have a word with him. " (dramatic pause) "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers - Take 4
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly...
One chalk mark:
$1
Knowing where to put it:
$49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features." ----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
An artist, an architect and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done!"





IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
 
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious 
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways ... through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
 
But now that...
 
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! 
 
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter.... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! 
 
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!
 
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
 
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
 
When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
 
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards! 
 
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up.... we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
 
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!





Subject: Moral question

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. Answer honestly!!!

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options: you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.





So here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......















Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?



Only the Irish have jokes like these:

1. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


2. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


3. Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."





A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" 
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .. 
It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since got out of college and I just flat-azz love it." 
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. 
What firm are you with?"




Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!!"





1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.






Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.







Updated: March 23, 2007



The Guys' Rules
*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to d o something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.





Church was in full swing.... Pews were packed.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,

seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

“Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."





Ted Nugent on deer hunting.

He was being interviewed by a British journalist.

The journalist asked,"What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?

Or is it, Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is,

'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.

'They are very much like the French in that way.




A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener is hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!



WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any
money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces
of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope
you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand?"




This guy is walking along the ocean beach on day and he found a bottle,
he figured it would look pretty nice if he was to polish it and up and display it at his cabin,
well he takes it home gets out an old polishing cloth and starts to polish it,
and out pops this genie and says I can grant you any wish you would like,
the guy thinks a few minutes and he ask the genie to build him a bridge from his cabin all the way to hawaii,
the genie rolls his eyes and says man why is it you guys always ask for such a hard task? dont you realize how much work that is,
how much brain power, materials and different things it takes to build a bridge that long I'm now saying it is imposible but it sure is a lot of work.
The guy get to thinking and he decides that what he asked for is really unrealistic and he probably wouldnt use it much anyway,
so he says to the genie yea I guess you are right so hey how about instead of the bridge why dont you explain women to me.
Well the genie looks him right in the eye and says, hey do you want that bridge to be a 2 lane or a 4 lane.




A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and
says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, I am from Middle East , I am not
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I! am from Russia !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."




My name is Norm and I AM CANADIAN

I am a minority in Vancouver , Toronto and every casino in this country.

I was born in 1958, yet I am responsible for some FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE BEING SCREWED OUT OF THEIR LAND in the 1700's.

I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.

I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.

All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.

I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. These same people cannot name this country's new territory.

Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft dinner and don't have a pot to piss in,

I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec Still provides my nation's prime ministers.

95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.

I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.


I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.

I believe that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.

Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.

I believe spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize

the English language.


I believe that paying $30 million for 3 Stripes ("The Voice of Fire painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase,

Even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.

When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make,

I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans."

I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry because I control the rain.

My national anthem has versions in both official languages and I don't know either of them.

Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States,

and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.

I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is f***ing broke.

My name is Norm, and I am Canadian




A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. With the instructions at the entrance:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you may not go back down except to exit.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner has opened "The Wife Store" across the street.

Floor 1 has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited..




A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.
There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.` Because I`m not a liberal Democrat.`
`Then,` asks the teacher, `What are you?`
`Why I`m a proud conservative Republican,` boasts the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why sheis a conservative Republican.
`Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.
`The teacher, now angry, loudly says, `That`s no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?
`She pauses, and lets out a smile. `Then,` Lucy says, `I`d be a liberal Democrat.`




Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good
in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
He!!, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!



Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president,and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"




When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he an d his wife went to see a prominent urologist.


After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"




Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Now, there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.




At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an Inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" (Matzo: a very thin, brittle biscuit of unleavened bread)
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.."




The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to

words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of

the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for
an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a

farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.




Great news often accompanies great grief; there is always a light at the end of the tunnel; and, so it is with the crabby wife.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,"said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
great news. Which do you want to hear first?

" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty- fivepound king crabs and
6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."




A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
His round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he
remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
Your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past
Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed
The doctor snickered and said, "Just ****ing with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"



A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, "Sir, what will you have".

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, String
Theory, interstell ar space travel, the latest medical break-throughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have. "A martini please".

Again it was super! b. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

The robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a
stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, "Uh... about 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...

A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... g-o-i-n-g...
t-o... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?



Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 .

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING.

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the

system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .

This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support




Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says,"You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house!"



2008 Democratic Convention
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay with Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home



An Indian (feather, not dot) walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.




A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table,

grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"! He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar ! again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. He asks, "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the Bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,

he measures everything first."





One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,

"All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.

I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate..

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi ,

NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant,

and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began

to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished

the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000,

and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief,

"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"




A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."




The Truth About Rye Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
Century Village bench one morning.


The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath.


The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.


The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"


He said, "I want 5 loaves."


She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"


He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** but me.





A United States Marine was attending some college courses between

assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a

member of the ACLU.



One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked

to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want

you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15

minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.



Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God.

I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes

when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor,

and cold-clocked him; knocking him off the platform. The

professor was out cold.



The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other

students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in

silence.



The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the

Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you

do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today

protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say

stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."




The Pope decided to take a couple of days off to visit the mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. His chauffeur was cruising along a campground
when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "Down with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically
and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's
grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven
and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to
all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way,
is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"




A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
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(Are you ready? ...)
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My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"





A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,

but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,

the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,

and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,

the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral)!


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks





Baby's First Exam


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?


"Breast-fed, "she replied.


"Well, strip down to your waist," the Doctor requested.


She did...He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the Doctor said, "No
wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."


"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came





Republican or Democrat?

One time there was a young teenage girl who was about to finish her first year of college.

She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.

She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying.

She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by.

She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. She was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time.

She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it

to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".

The father smiled and said: "Welcome to the Republican Party".





The Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,

when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this

With you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.




Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.

Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the nuts," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the nuts," insisted the Sergeant. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the nuts.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire.

In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning?

Why did you ask them to kick you in the nuts first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?"





Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States

when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.

I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean,

me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.

Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.

My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.






LETTER FROM A FARM KID,

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS

RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a

mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,

mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham,

steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real

careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol





Doc, says Steve, I want to be castrated.

What on earth for? asks the doctor in amazement.

It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done replies Steve.

But have you thought it through properly? asks the doctor, It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back.

It will change your life forever!

I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor.

Well, OK. says the doctor, But it's against my better judgment!

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.

Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

Hi there, says Steve, It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.

Well, said the patient, I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN! THAT'S the word!"





Dear Dona:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront
him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all
day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his buddies while I have to work to pay the
bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I
may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator
from New York. Act like one.

Signed, Dona







Everything below was collected in the 1990's




Clinton and the Pope died the same day.
By a mistake Clinton went up to heaven and the pope down to hell.
The pope complained furiously to the management which admitted doing a mistake and the day after they replaced places.
On the way up the Pope met Clinton and shouted at him "How dare you go up to heaven taking my place?
All of my life I've been waiting to meet Virgin Mary" to which Clinton responded "You are 24 hours late. She is not a virgin anymore".




Nothing is as easy as it looks.
-- Murphy's First Law

Everything takes longer than you think.
-- Murphy's Second Law

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
-- Murphy's Third Law

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-- Murphy's Fourth Law

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
-- Murphy's Fifth Law

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
will promptly develop.
-- Murphy's Sixth Law

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-- Murphy's Seventh Law

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
-- Farnsdick's corollary

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
-- Murphy's Eighth Law

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Ninth Law

Mother Nature is a bitch.
-- Murphy's Tenth Law

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
-- Murphy's Eleventh Law

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-- Harvard's Law

The real world is a special case.
-- Horngren's Observation

There are two rules for success...
1) Never tell everything you know.
-- Roger H. Lincoln

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
-- L. Peter Deutch





Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren't doing anything.
One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell
Whether or not they are working simply by looking at them.
Very often they're sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and
gossiping, or just staring into space.
What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the
Individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head.
-- Charles M. Strauss




It is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....

* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"...

* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about
her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery.
They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey,
but at least they know the English aren't getting any...






Here's the answer to the question "why is my salary so low?":

About your salary:

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
---------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
----------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make.

P.S: Please dont forward this to our boss.






"The Predicted Top 10 Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths"

10) Ellen DeGeneres- Suffocates in the closet

9) Susan Lucci- Trips & breaks neck while running up the steps to accept an Emmy

8) Jenny McCarthy- Struck by a random thought

7) Frank Sinatra- Killed by strangers in the night

6) RuPaul- Prostate Cancer

5) OJ Simpson- Murdered by the *Real Killer* in an apparent suicide

4) Madonna- Exposure

3) Unabomber- Mail bomb returned due to *insufficient postage*

2) Al Gore- Dutch Elm disease

1) Bill Gates- Falls out a Window



REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot Universe? (Y/N/Q)_



A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to.
She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.
The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin.
The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.
The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business.
When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's."
The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."



This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears at humping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises
and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says,
"Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"



A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert post. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old,
seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere,
and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore,
so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."



A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. Straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.



Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
Find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
The lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides
to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple
signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
And squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
Over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a
Great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have
Sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want
To have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"



Misspelled?!? Impossible, my modem is error correcting.




An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar in New York City and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to
him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have spent my whole life on the
ranch, herding cows, breaking horses and mending fences - I guess I
am."

After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up
in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I'm a lesbian."




Engineers Explained

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who
have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented
people is to understand their motivations.

This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned
their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane
Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of
grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this
test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-
powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your
belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:

* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects, known
and unknown, to the universe.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
categories: (1) Things that need to be fixed, and (2) Things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet. And fix it anyway.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a
shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise
are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.
This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which
consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression
of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are
widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's
true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer,
most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus
producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long
before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible
men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer
if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things
that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be
expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed
below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation
while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything
else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be
pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas
have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody
with a technical degree or experience in computer programming is
propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps
out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS:

* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent
people.

REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible
for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach
is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back
to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will
cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges
quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws
of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a
problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed
in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better
than sex--even the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something
along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to
solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.



The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank
goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African King who was a
very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry
him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers
what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries
to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will marry
you under three conditions. First, i want my engagement ring to be a
75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The African man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No
problem!! I have. I have."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine
country in France."

The king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls
some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He
looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I
build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time t think and
finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her
eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "I want the man I
marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something
in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man
shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, Okay. I
cut. I cut."



IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC, GEEKY TEXT STRINGS,
YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU...

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.




THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure = gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test
tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead =
of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes =
them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is =
affirmative
or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart
stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest
medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in =
your
throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."




Please do the following steps in MS-Word and see what you get:

1. Open a new document in Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus).
5. Read out loud the synonym that Thesaurus highlighted for the above sentence.



100 reasons it's great to be a guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere



Warning !!!
There is a new virus : Viagra !
It turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive !



Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret: =

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing..
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.



What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.
***
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the
first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked
on the way to the pharmacy distribution warehouse.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
***
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
***
Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
***
Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."
***
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?



On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"



There was a girl named Alice who lived in New Jersey.
She loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State.
One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit.
"I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said and she smiled in assent.
Working his hand down her ass he asked, "and this?"
"I call that Freehole." said Alice.
Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front.
"I bet you will call this Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly.
"Oh no," Alice called out, "that's Eatontown."




The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear
the details. She said, "Well he was a big, muscular and handsome
marine." "Well. what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said "I
told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have
that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he did not
have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?"
"The marine said he only had $25 So I told him 'For $25 all I can give
you is a hand job" He agreed and after getting the finances straight,
he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand
above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,
"Then I put the first hand above the second hand...." "Oh my God!"
they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!"



A married couple was having a quiet dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked by their table and winked at the husband.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"Well, if you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress!? You bastard! I want a divorce!" the wife screamed.
Looking directly into her eyes, her husband calmly replied, "Are you saying you want to give up our big house in the suburbs,
your Mercedes, your furs, your maid, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence.
Finally, the woman cleared her throat and said, "Isn't that your boss Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband said. "Hmmmph." she said, taking another bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."



There are three Labradors retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's.
A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes,
but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says,"What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant.
Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it,
I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says,"So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."


 

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00
for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!)
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet.
He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man.
"From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls."
The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your balls?"
The general replied, "in VietNam."



Last night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw me stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try my keys on five different cars before I found mine.
Then, I sat in the front seat fumbling around with my keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, I started my engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for me. He stopped me, read me my rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. I then replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy.?



This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in one of his trees. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua,
a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions:
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's balls.
The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him. OK?"
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."




A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the
co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because,
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."



Having her hair done at a West Hempstead beauty parlor, a woman told
a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, NJ, the woman related, she won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slot
for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"
she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator
bank.
As she was about to walk into an elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black. One of them was big. Very big. An intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot,
they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, ustered, ashamed.
She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious.
Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed
with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said," Hit the floor."
Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.
A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button".
The one who said it had a little trouble getting words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized
one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak.
She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you?
She didn't know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator bank.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one dollar bill.
A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.



Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I
really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining
in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"




Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm
method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant
and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you
find a band when you get the urge at Two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the
house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got
pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while
breast-feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear
skin, silky hair and was very healthy . . . but the wife got pregnant
yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got
pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I
never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb
could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work.
It had a left-hand screw and my wife is
definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the
forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so
she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is any substitute for the real thing.




Proud Fathers

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the
restroom. Three guys are left...

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser
because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out
that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many
cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that
he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he
started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break,
they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the
real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a
broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that
he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that
they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started
out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In
fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I
try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new
Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"




Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter
his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My partner was such a good lover,
I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."



Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
?Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.



A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned
because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside
the car, he saw the man's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in
the backseat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his
girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and
his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
me!"



One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly
identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly
jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said that. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton.
I'll see you Monday."


 
Worlds shortest books:

19. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
18. The Wit and Wisdom of Mike Dukakis
17. Consumer Marketing Ethics
16. Al Gore: The Wild Years
15. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
14. America's Most Popular Lawyers
13. Career Opportunities for Philosophy Majors
12. Detroit - A Travel Guide
11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
10. Easy UNIX
9. Tibetan Tips on World Dominance
8. Everything Men Know about Women
7. Everything Women Know about Men
6. French Hospitality
5. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
4. How to Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
2. The Amish Phone Book

And the Number One World's Shortest Book,
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion




Eight year old boy asks his mother how old she is.
She replies, "It's none of your business."
He asks how tall she is, and how much she weighs. She replies the same.
He asks why she and Daddy got divorced.
The same reply.
He goes out to play with his friend and relates the incident.
His friend tells him he can get that information off of his mother's drivers license.
Later, after sneaking into her purse, the young boy confronts his mother. "Mother, you are 30 years old, you're 5'4" tall and weigh 135 pounds!!"
"Well, smarty pants," she replies, "If you're so smart, why did your dad and I get divorce?"
"That's easy! You got an "F" in Sex!!"




A primary school teacher was talking with her class.

Teacher: "Mary, what did you do at lunch?"
Mary: "I played with my doll, Miss."
Teacher: "Mary, If you can spell doll, you can go home early."
Mary: "D O L L"

Teacher: "Correct. Brian, what did you do at lunch?"
Brian: "I played with my ball, Miss."
Teacher: "Brian, If you can spell ball, you can go home early."
Brian: "B A L L"

Teacher: "Correct. Rangi, what did you do at lunch?"
Rangi: "I got hassled by all the other kids for being black, Miss."
Teacher: "That sounds like Racial Discrimination. Rangi, If you can spell Racial Discrimination..."




As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept
saying, "Relax...; you are *not* the first doctor to sleep with one of his
patients. But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian!"




Can you compare a woman to a tornado?
Yeah, she screams when she comes, and takes the house when she goes...




G-d looked down at Adam and Eve and figured something was missing. So
G-d went to Adam and said, "Adam, I'm gonna' let you and Eve have sex."
Then G-d went on to explain to Adam how it works, and sent him off
after Eve.

A bit later G-d was walking through the garden, came across Adam and asked,
"Adam, how was the sex?" Adam says, "G-d, that was great!" G-d looks
around and doesn't seek Eve so he asks Adam, "By the way, where's Eve?"
Adam replies, "She's down in the stream washing off." G-d cries, "Damn,
I'll never get that smell out of the fish!"



A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents
of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite
nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived
punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway
through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one
second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying
at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another,
slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it
made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine.
So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"



A businessman decided to take the afternoon off and got home
about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The house was quiet, and he went
upstairs and opened the bedroom door. His wife was in bed, and there
was a strange man lying on top of her with his head between her breasts.
'What the hell are you doing?' he shouted. The man looked up and said,
'I'm listening to the music.' 'What Music?' said the husband, and
he leaned over and put his ear to his wife's chest. 'I can't hear any
music,' he said suspiciously. 'Of course you can't,' said the stranger.
'You're not plugged in.'



A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a
massive crush on Brigitte Bardot an ignores her completely. To win
back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters
'BB' tattooed on her breasts.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this
unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her
arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by
turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Who the fuck is Bob?"



This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God.
She asked him, "how much time do I have to live." He said, "you have 35
years left."
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face
lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did
herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35
years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that
same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she
entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said,
"What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years."
God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"



A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and
he charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the
doctor asked, "just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old
man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and
we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for
$32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit the doctor's office."




The circus is in town. On the opening night they have a full house
and all the traditional acts go down well. Then the final unique act,
Dominic and his performing alligator. Dominic brings on his trained
alligator and puts him through his paces, roller skates, riding a bike,
balancing on the high wire etc. Then for the grand finale, Dominic
announces to the crowd that he will prove just how-well trained his
alligator is.
Dominic says to the alligator "open your mouth wide and do not move
under any circumstances". He then puts his hand in the alligators mouth
and it does not move. He puts his whole arm in the alligators mouth,
again it does not move.
He puts his head in the alligators mouth, it doesn't even blink.
Then in the ultimate show of confidence he drops his trousers and puts
his dick in the alligators mouth, picks up a baseball bat and clobbers
the alligator over the head. The alligator doesn't flinch.
Dominic says to the crowd "I hope you have seen just how well
trained my alligator is. Would anyone from the audience like to give it
a try". Not surprisingly there is little response. But suddenly from the
back a little old lady plucks up courage and says:
"I'll give it a go sonny, but you've got to promise not to hit me
too hard with that baseball bat".



If operating systems were beer...

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
Read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came
in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is
Not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told
that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can
That looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for
apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open
them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2
Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
Million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes
More like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably
keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print,
has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after
Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. To 64 oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your
own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a
complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking UNIX
Beer for several years.

Amiga DOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
Has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
An import. This beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, Amiga DOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a
16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't
changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer
claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely UN-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of
ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.
Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

I love it! Here's my addition:

MacOS8 Beer. Claimed to be a superior lager that gets you drunk faster,
and the can looks snappier, but the beer tastes just the same and it
takes just as long to get drunk. The beer comes in specially designed
cans, so most people who used to drink OS7 beer need to upgrade their
can openers to open the OS8 beer. It's also claimed that you can drink
more than one OS8 beer at the same time, and you can, but if you drink
two beers at once you end up drinking each beer at half the speed.
Engineers (and the marketing department) have made sure that MacOS8 beer
resembles the more popular Win95 beer, but with half the calories.


 
A sailor goes into a bar and sees a guy with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sailor asks the guy "Hi, how'da lose your leg?"
He answers "Well I fell overboard in shark infested waters and one a da devels bit off my foot just as they hawled me out."
The sailor then asked "How'd ya end up with that hook then?"
"When I was boarding an enemy ship I lost me hand in a sword fight." he replied.
"And the eye patch?" the sailor inquired.
"Well? a seagull pooped and it landed in me eye."
"And that destroyed your sight?!"
"No, Well? it was me first day with the hook?"



Human "genius" at work:

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.




1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.
I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident,
so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."




I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery
for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just
this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As
I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."




Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?




My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm
not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"




Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that,
the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.




I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called
me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the
openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of
doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool
kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there
was 40 cents.



One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to
a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about,
and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation
mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's
it!"



This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately,
the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the
lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the
lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found
him in the hallway rolling back and forth.




I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control, then went back to make a sandwich.




I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered
said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"



Here's the set up:
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes
on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television
screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"




One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news", The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said,
"Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you,
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent
create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow
you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this
planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to
give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have
given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such
great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you
enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."




THE 747 HAS EVERYTHING

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the Men's Room.
Each time he tried the door it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of
his predicament, suggested that he use the Ladies Room; but she
cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The
buttons were marked, "W.W." , "W.A." , "P.P." and "A.T.R." Eventually
his curiosity got the better of him, and sitting there, he carefully
pressed the first button marked "W.W." Immediately warm water sprayed
gently over his entire bottom. He thought, "Jolly! The girls really
have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the next button marked
"W.A." Warm air dried his bottom completely. This, he thought was out

of this world. The button marked "P.P." yielded a large powder puff
which patted his bottom lightly with scented powder.
Naturally he just couldn't resist the last button marked "A.T.R."
When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I
remember, I was in the Ladies' Room aboard a plane." The nurse
replied, "Yes you were, but you were cautioned about pressing the
buttons. You were really having a great time until you pressed the
button marked "A.T.R." which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."




A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex

life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help
them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical
exams, psychological exams, and various tests. He then concluded, "Yes, I
am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,
roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull's eye in your wife's love
canal.
Then on your hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room,
toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then
like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green that they should see the good
doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens, and said he would not take the case
unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams
and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news, "I cannot help you, so I will not take

your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I
cannot help you."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns,
now please, please help us."
"Well, all right," the doctor said, "On your way home from the office, stop
at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."





A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
-------------------------------------------------------

CODE WORD
MEANS
40-ish
62, but you can't quite tell...
Adventurer
Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate
Possessive
Artist
Unreliable
Athletic
Flat chested
Average looking
Ugly
Beautiful
Pathological liar
Commitment-minded
Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important
Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile
Bring your penicillin
Educated
College dropout
Emotionally Secure
Medicated
Employed
Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera
Snob
Enjoys Nature
Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty
Would frighten a Martian
Feminist
Ball buster
Financially Secure
One paycheck from the street
Free spirit
Substance user
Friendship first
Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun
Annoying
Gentle
Comatose
Good Listener
Borderline Autistic
Humorous
Caustic
Intuitive
Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition
Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker
Lush
Looks younger
If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel
If you're paying
Loves Animals
Cat lady
Mature
Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age
All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional
Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned
Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded
Desperate
Outgoing
Loud
Passionate
Loud
Petite
Can't find her in a crowd
Poet
Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional
Bitch
Redhead
Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable
Frumpy
Romantic
Looks better by candle light
Self-employed
Jobless
Smart
Insipid
Special
Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual
Involved with a cult
Stable
Boring
Tall, thin
Anorexic
Tan
Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate
One step away from stalking
Writer
Pompous
Young at heart
Toothless crone


And now a few for the men...


A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS "MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds
-------------------------------------------------------

CODE WORD
MEANS
40-ish
52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate
Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist
Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic
Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking
Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking
Fat, grey, and bald
Educated
Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed
On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure
I will spend some money on you, in return
for which I will expect you to obey my
every whim for the duration of your mortal
life
Free Spirit
Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first
As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun
Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking
Arrogant bastard
Honest
Pathological Liar
Huggable
Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive female
Would be better off with a Labrador retriever
Light drinker
Headed for AA
Like to cuddle
Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on the beach
I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Mature
Until you get to know him
Open-minded
Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit
I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet
Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional
Owns a white button down
Reliable
Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed
Same as for women and eats nachos all weekend
Sensitive
Needy
Smart
Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual
Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable
Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful
Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile
Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out




Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas
station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The
first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The
two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to Your
leader!" Of course he gets no response... The first alien looks at his
buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your
leader!" Of course, still no response... The alien then turns to his
buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at
least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that the second alien
replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first
Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the
next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me
to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun
and vaporizes the pump... The gas station goes up in a huge explosion,
blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up,
dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was
going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I
didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm
gonna' mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps around his
body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!"




1. This was an actual article in the Los Angeles Times some years ago.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil." Eric Tomasewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for
emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

2. Here is one guy's commentary:

Here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:
10)"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9)"So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry,but that's
like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.
8)That poor gerbil, (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being
shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and
Bullwinkle.
7)Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime
fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "Tunnel of Love."
6)People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.
5)People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made
up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I
admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have
this gerbil named Raggot and we took the cardboard tube . . ."
4)"First and secomd degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3)People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2)What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1)This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.

3. Scoop's Thoughts:

I don't believe that this is a real article. The major point for me
is the commentator's point number
2.....why in the hell would a hospital hold a press conference on
something like this? Doctors are
sworn to protect the confidences of their patients. Let's suppose I
tell my doc, "is there anything I
should do to prevent disease? I like to sodomize cape buffalo." I
really hope that he doesn't call
Tom Brokaw as soon as I leave the room.
If Geraldo had attended that press conference, he'd have had a
year's worth of shows.
I always make my gerbil strap on a tiny hard-hat wth one of those
miner's lights on it, just in case.




BETTER LEARN THE LANGUAGE FIRST!

A Texas engineer while in Japan for some meetings and a few rounds of golf,
arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening,
he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his
companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little
English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in
the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing
this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon
afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese engineering colleagues,
one
of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went
crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his
friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!".
Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked:
"Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"




HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?

A guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was going
through various things in the Kinsey report, and the class members gasped
audibly when she read aloud that one woman had several hundred orgasms in
a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was *HE*?"




CHRISTMAS PARTY

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a
pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."




Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal
article by Jim Carlton:

Austin, Texas,

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the
power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
power switch?"

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any"
key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be
the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the
tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple
of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software
store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple
of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.





DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given
to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a jet engine
(JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet
above the road.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school,
He joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally
discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his
backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair.
He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn
chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions.
Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above
his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back
down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon.
He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After
climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he
couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load
and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold
and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble.
He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los
Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and
described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar
confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the
airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot
pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for
a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they
neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
Above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled
back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the
helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members
of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.
As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.




It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1996.
As you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool
(thankfully).

You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out
moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO
(jet assist take off)unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once
it was turned on.

And 1994's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

The 1996 nominees are:

NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]

James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to
repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to
drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could
ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive
shaft."
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]

Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on
his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and
fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said
Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police."It appears the chair
moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said."It's one of those freak
accidents. No foul play is suspected."
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith&Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24
floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the TorontomSun newspaper that Hoy was"one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)]

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen
into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to
descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent
in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers,
none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also
drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were
pulled by the same undercurrent.The bodies of the six were later pulled out
of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The
chicken was also
pulled out. It survived.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death
of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but
autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It
was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in
his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his
bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have
been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ".
. . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of
the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #9 [18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]

A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in
March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95
in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80
MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his
chest, had been busy reading.


--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #10 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.]
JOINT NOMINEE

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989.He had
spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder
conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March
1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small
TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death
row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh,
Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV
while sitting on his metal toilet.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996].

Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay
County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader
was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
.54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #12 [AP, Mammoth Lakes]

A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities
said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift
towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into
a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed.

"With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said
Donnelly.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995]

A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water
and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The
24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of
which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity
supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as
saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and
they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net
tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried
in vain to revive him, it said.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis]

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in
his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE 15 [Unknown]

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]

Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew
off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. `Another man had it in an
aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,'' Payne said.
``It wouldn't go off and this guy said, `I'll show you how to set it off.

``I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,'' Payne said.

--------------------------------------------
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17 [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93]

In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal
copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper
wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from
electric cables that are not being used.


**********************************************************************

Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't
made it to the "Big Leagues"

[UPI, Portland, OR]

Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be
released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into
A men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts'
right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left,
a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said
the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his
friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, ``I feel so dumb
about this.''

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

------------------------------------------
from The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996: Low blow for gunman
VANCOUVER (CP) -

A man arguing over a love triangle accidently shot himself in the groin,
taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was
waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early
yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police
were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was brought in by
friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.

--------------------------------------------
Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996:
Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark.

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road
and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday
morning.

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are
listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The
two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that
the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next
to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights
again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound
toward the WhiteRiver bridge.

After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the
right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the
pavement and striking a tree.

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will
require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken
clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge
when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a
first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened", said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs
the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.




There was a group of Russian soldiers close to a high ravine. The
sergeant goes close to the edge, looks down, then turns around and
says:

- Soldier Ivanov!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

O
*--------------.
! ! !
! ! !
! ! *
! !
,--------
! !
! !
!
!
- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- I'm sorry!!???
- I said JUMP, soldier!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)


The Sergeant looks down to the abyss again, thinks for a
while and says:

- Soldier Pyetrov!
- Sir!
- Move a little to your left!
- Yes sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

*
!
!
!
O !
,-----'
! ! !
! ! !
*----' ! !
!--!
! !
! !
! `-----
!
!
!

- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps to the void...)

Again the sergeant looks down, thinks and yells:

- Soldier Sidorov!
- Sir!
- Move yourself a little to the right and kneel!
- Yes sir!
- Jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)

The Sergeant analyses again the situation and says:

- Soldier Strogoff!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:
O
*-----------.
! ! !
! ! !
! ! !
! ! *
,-----------.
! !
! !

At that moment a jeep stops. The Captain gets up and
yells:

- Sergeant Tchebychevich!!!, this is the last time that I
warn you! Next time I find you playing Tetris with the soldiers I'm
going to send you to Court Martial!

PS- In case you are an ignoramus, Tetris was invented in Russia...




A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind
if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling,
at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed
you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying
how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean 200 pounds?"




How things would be different if Microsoft's Headquarters was in Tennessee

1.Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

4. Dialog boxes would have "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git" buttons.

5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjoes

6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear "Freebird!"

8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart"

9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"

10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

12. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."

14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates

16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" Scheme

17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge

18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver

19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters- "Down the road a block or so"

20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"

21. Development of Family Tree software would be replaced by the Family Straight Line

22. New corporate dress code - no shoes allow





THE SPERM COUNT
----------------

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with- my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with
nothing.

Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and- she tried
with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the DARN jar open!"




These are to help all of us in writing our resumes.
These are from actual resumes: (CVs)

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them
know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I
can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost
money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription
drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation."




This article actually appeared in a newspaper in Japan, no shit.

More Moms Going Down
to Ensure Grades Go Up!

A 38-year-old mother discovers by chance that her 15-year-old darling is
not cramming for high school entrance exams, but masturbating night
after night.
What does she do?
After discussing the matter with her husband, the worried mother
realizes the solution. She performs oral sex on the boy for 15 minutes
every day to help him concentrate on his studies. The father, a tad
jealous perhaps, goes to a porno shop and comes home with a chastity
belt for his wife to prevent the son from going all the way.
Mothers anxious about their beloved sons are beginning to take a more
active role to ensure their boys reach the gates to success. In the old
days, concerned mothers used to help their cramming sons by preparing
them late-night snacks and telling other family members to keep quiet.
But not anymore, reports Asahi Geino.
The magazine bases its report on allegedly true stories gathered by
Yukio Shibagaki, a 42-year-old cram school operaton in Chigasaki.
Shibagaki introduces a young mom who found her 15-year-old son studying
porno books instead of text books. The mother connected the magazines
with his poor results and decided to help him out. Starting that night,
Shibagaki says the cooperative mother helped her son masturbate. The
woman agreed to stroke his penis on nights when he memorized 10 new
english words. She offered him fellatio if he came home with improved
test scores.
Naturally, the boy's grades shot up.
Some anxious moms start even earlier. Shibagaki shares on case in which
a 28-year-old woman rapidly improved her 12-year-old son's grades by
letting him watch her undress when he scored well in his exams. "Most
boys crave for a chance to watch naked women. Many mothers accept this
craving and reward their sons' academic improvement with a peek at their
body. Others hire young women tutors and tell them to pose naked for
their sons."




A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls
into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs
to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the
farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around
the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his
friend, the horse, and drives the car forward - saving him from
sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in
the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The
chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the
farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, Grab for my
'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken pulled himself
to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't
need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.




A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within
a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian
determined the problem: she was in heat. What do we do? There was
no male of this species available. While reflecting on their
problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee
responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he
wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might
have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would
he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?
Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to
think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I
don't want to have to kiss her." "Second, I want nothing to do
with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo
administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me
another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.




A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain
that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. "They all
tell me that my penis is too long."

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way
you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.
But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the
doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my
penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex
with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it."
The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in
amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a
solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in
the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log
who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to
marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your
penis will be ten inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He
came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a
log. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO".
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches
shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But it's still
too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.
"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back,
"NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it
was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is
fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long,
and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster,
just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to
marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and
yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back
across pond shaking its head,

"NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO!"




I've heard a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer,
but the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory". It
originated in the USA and goes something like this:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted the slowest and weakest are at the back. These
are the first killed. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way regular cosumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine.




What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery

Death is hereditary

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once

Dyslexics of the world - untie!

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

There's no future in time travel

Tonight's weather - dark with continued darkness until dawn

Boycott shampoo - Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand

There's an exception to every rule, except this one

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots

Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

A good pun is it's own reword

I used to be indecisive - now I'm not sure

I'm writing a book - I've got the page numbers done

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

To err is human, to moo bovine

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain




There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for
nearly 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by
the husbands habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes
to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in
the morning . He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him
to see a doctor to see if anything could be done,but the husband
wouldn't hear of it. He told her it was a natural bodily function,
and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes
away with her hands. She told him there was nothing natural about it,
and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer, and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "Farting his guts out" until one
Thanksgiving morning. Long before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes,
gravy and of course, a turkey.

While she was taking out te turkeys innards, a thought ccurred to the
wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish
grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts in a bowl and quietly
walked upstairs before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back her husband's
Jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's
underwear, pulled them up , replaced the covers and tip-toed back
downstairs to finish preparing the family feast.

A few minutes later she heard her husband wake up with his normal
ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstsairs
bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as
She rolled around on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with
Him she had finaly got even .

About twenty minutes later her husband came downtairs in his
bloodstained underpantswith a lookof horror in his eyes. She bit her
lips to keep from laughing, and she asked him what was the matter.

He said , "honey , you were right - all those years you warned me and
I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God,
and these two fingers, I think i got'em all back in".




ACTUAL HEADLINES ....

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops Off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
21.Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30.War Dims Hope for Peace
31.If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.Deer Kill 17,000
36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44.Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50.Air Head Fired
51.Steals Clock, Faces Time
52.Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53.Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54.Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board
55.Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56.Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57.Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58.Include Your Children When Baking Cookies



A (supposedly) true story:
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky
passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our
recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the
storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for
about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little
plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good. When the turbulence
finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the
captain's voice came on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through
it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks
like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and
today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness
and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
after a short pause and several clicks
"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of
good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called
after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"




Some People are Just so Cheap!
----------------

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated
by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said
the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll
make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without
uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound,
you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After
they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."




BESSIE
-----

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the
lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just
by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on
the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between
the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?"



A guy walks into his doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from
silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions.
Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning
in the carpool and on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions.
And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions.
Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."

The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing!"




A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of
the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about
the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep
he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the
canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer
without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the
young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another,
slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it
made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he
let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"




The Talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and
brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an
entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it,
and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm
a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."



10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!




True story?? maybe.. but it's good.

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or
endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
are more

than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.

#1: So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose, meaning that hell is exothermic.

#2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
hell freezes over, meaning that hell is endothermic.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Theresa Banyan
during Freshman year "that it will be a cold night in hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.

Therefore, hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.



Subject: A true computer story... no kidding!

This was an E-mail that made it my way.
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm
having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in
WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
....."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
....."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
...."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them
you're too stupid to own a computer."



God is worn out, so he tells St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions about where I might go?"

St. Peter thinks, and then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice this time of year."

God says, "No, too much gravity on Jupiter, it hurts my back."

St. Peter says, "OK... Hmmm. How about Mercury?"

God says, "No way! It's way too hot on Mercury for me."

St. Peter exclaims, "I've got it! How about going to earth for your vacation?"

God says, "Are you kidding? I went there 2,000 years ago, and had an affair with some Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it!"




An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on.
The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has
feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says
"What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you
were a young guy?"
The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my kid..."


 
How does an UNIX Guru do Sex ?
unzip
strip
touch
finger
mount
fsck
more
yes
umount
sleep




RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,
here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned
in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary - last names
deleted.

English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion
has been reached.

------------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must
one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em out of the sky!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
------------------------------------------------------------



Subject: Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't

1) Reach in and grab the giblets.
2) Whew, that's one terrific spread!
3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
5) Talk about a huge breast!
6) "... and he forced his way into the end zone..."
7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
8) It's Cool Whip time!!!!
9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!


 
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in
the yellow pages for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service man asks. "Boy," is the
guy's response. "Oh yea, I can do it. I'll be right there." An hour
later the service man shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun
and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the guy some instructions.
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the
stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite
the gorilla's testicles off.
The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow
you to put the handcuffs on." The guy asks, "What do I do with the
shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."



BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART
-------------------------------

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.




Bob complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample
and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new techonology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noise and printed the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
Your dog has worms, Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs, Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant, It ain't yours - get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.




Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.




VALENTINE'S DAY STORY

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform,
and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
Station. He looked for the girlwhose heart he knew, but whose face he
didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen
months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found
himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes
penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul
and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous
owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her
address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing
himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped
overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one-month
the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed
falling on a fertile heart. A Romance was budding. Blanchard requested a
photograph, but she refused. She felt that if ...he really cared, it
wouldn't matter what she looked
like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they
scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 ...PM at the Grand Central Station in
New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, ..."by the red rose I'll be
wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a
girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr.
Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her
figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate
ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin
had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime
come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she
was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her
lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I
made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was
standing almost directly behind the girl.....A woman well past 40, she had
graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her
thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in....the green
suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so
keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the
woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there
she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had
a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped ...the
small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.
This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something
perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must
ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book
to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of
my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard,and you must be Miss
Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you....todinner?" The
woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is
about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just
went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you
were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting
for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind
of test!" It's not difficult to understand and ...admire Miss Maynell's
wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to ...the
unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."




Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly,
see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach
with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see
heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high
in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps
and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there,
he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst
hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons,
with no one to help him out of his delimma
no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and
tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like
the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening.
What happened to that other place, with the beaches
and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."



An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up
a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as
he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this
guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants.
If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you
like it.Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,
"I'm so relieved You feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."



Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above the ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't
fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer
and started hammering on his fingers. Of course he couldn't stand
that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories he
fell into the bushes, stunned but OK. I couldn't stand it anymore, so
I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercise out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, and I
fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be OK, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.
Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man. "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator ..?




THE GRAVY LADLE

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal,
the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if
there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the
eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The
priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be
sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did'
take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed,
you would have found the gravy ladle by now.




An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to
give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an
impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues
starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he
finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him that he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts
and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and
thus Gentlemen. So my speech started "Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself
I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his
speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his
head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my
chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and
Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself
I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started
his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing
his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," By imitating antlers, rubbing my chest
and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech
by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."




Hmmm...


So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is...
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
(Now don't you feel better)

Pass this along to any of your friends, make them feel today is not so bad after all.




Saddam Meets the Riddle Joke
-----------------------------

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting,and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.




Subject: Useful dictionary

Women's English:

Yes No

No Yes

Maybe No

I'm sorry You'll be sorry

We need I want

It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk I need to complain.

Sure go ahead I don't want you to.

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house.

I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, you're dead.]

Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

I'm not yelling! Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

The same old thing Nothing

Nothing Everything

Everything My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really It's just that you're such an asshole.


Men's English:

"I'm hungry" I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired" I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

"What's wrong?" What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) "I like that one better." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!




What is common between the government and a computer? the are all bunch of bugs being managed by dos!!!!!

Differences between good girls and bad girls:

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

*Good girls wax their floors.
*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Bad girls know they could do it better.

*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Bad girls don't wear any.

*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
*Bad girls think they're fullu dressed with just a strand of pearls.

*Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

*Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

*Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

*Good girls say 'no'.
*Bad girls say 'when?'